Don't be a little bitch

When I was in university, I took this class called Classical Social Theory. It was one of those courses that I had to take in order to graduate from the program I was enrolled at the time. In the discupline of the social sciences, I picked Sociology because I was interested in examining the processes of social and cultural life in diverse human societies - both past and present societies. One of the core disciplines of the social sciences, Sociology, is closely linked to the humanities, since various aspects of culture and society concerns it.

It celebrates diversity - cultural, ethnic, racial, and economical (among other diversities). The course I took involved an examination of the origins of sociology and of the sociological works of 19th- and early-20th-century European theorists, with consideration of the social and political context. Particular emphasis is given to the works of Durkheim, Marx, and Weber. Readings include primary sources and critical commentaries. To be quite honest, I learn a lot from it.

How did I learn a lot from it? By taking it three times. Yes, I took this course three times. It was not because it was extremely interesting like one of those great movies that you have to watch a couple of times because there are small details you have missed. It was not because the teacher was so enthusiastic about teaching and had alot to say about the subject. And it was not because I was trying to break some Guinness world record for who can take the same class over and over again.

Although the first two reasons were true. The class was interesting and the teacher loved her job and it showed. So, why did I take that class three times? Where do I start?

- the book I ordered was not the correct edition; - the people I was sitting next too talked too much and I wasn't able to concentrate; - I was working nightshift, from 10pm to 7am and going to school during the day; - being around the wrong people influenced my way of thinking about school and education; - I got a new girlfriend and she wanted to spend a lot of time together; - I was being forced to go to school by my parents; - my GPA was not high enough because I did not do too well the first time I took it.

I can go on and on about why I had to repeat that course three times. There were a lot of external reasons as to why I was on that situation. But to summarize it in one short and sweet sentence: I was a little bitch.

Let me explain. I had a 'victim mentality'. What does that mean? It means I blamed my challenges in life on others around me, even if I could not prove their negative actions - people being too loud, being around the wrong crowd, or the new girlfriend. I also blamed many things on circumstances, which I saw as always unfair - like the wrong book edition or being forced to stay in school.

Bad things can happen in life. You might be the victim of a crime, such as fraud or even sexual assault. In such a case you have every right to feel that things were out of your control, because they were, and any thought that it’s somehow your fault and you are responsible is erroneous thinking.

It’s also perfectly normal to feel sorry for yourself every once in a while, or feel powerless in the face of a challenge like a bereavement or divorce.

If you have a victim mentality, like I did at the time, you will see your entire life through a perspective that things, bad things, happen ‘to’ you and they happen to you constantly. Victimisation is thus a combination of seeing most things in life as negative, beyond your control, and as something you should be given sympathy for experiencing as you ‘deserve’ better. At its heart, a victim mentality is actually a way to avoid taking any responsibility for yourself or your life. By believing you have no power then you don’t have to take action.

Why do we do it? We like to blame others for our downfall for the simple reason: it's the easiest thing to do. Just shift the blame on to the next guy and its not your problem anymore, right? I mean, when you get the hot potato, you don't just hold it. You chuck it to the person who threw it at you. But, why would you allow that person to hand you that hot potato in the first place?

I pushed the blame on others because it was truly the simplest thing to do. It was easy. I complained about being a victim. And I did it with pride... Ah such a sad thing to say. But, that is what I noticed with people. Those with 'victim thinking' constantly complain about how life throws lemons at them, how often they are hit with those lemons, and when they try to make lemonade, it turns into something completely different, like clam juice. And they do it with a smile, with pride.

But it feels so good being a victim, right? I mean, why would we do something that was bad or destructive unless we enjoyed it? The surprising thing is that playing the victim gives the person power, because they’ve convinced themselves that their life is so awful you have no power at all, yes? This is what a victim tells themselves. That is what I've been telling myself.

But having others feel sorry for you can easily be a way to manipulate them into meeting your needs and wants. This can be something small, like someone always going to the shops for you, or can be deeper and more insidious, such as meaning your ‘poor me’ act leaves another forced to treat you nicely and never yell at you, or to not leave you even if they feel they should. And let's not kid ourselves, it feels good when people treat us better or nicer to us. But, having them be nicer to us in that way is a win-lose type of scenario. And sooner or later, they will call our bullshit and they would leave us. I would not blame them. To coerce people into being nice will work temporarily, but they would resent us. If you have ever been in this situation, you know what I'm talking about.

On a darker note, the role of victim can also be a common way for abusers to take power when they play the victim. An abuser who constantly puts their partner down can then fixate on the one time the abused party snapped back and called them a monster, making out that they are in fact the ‘attacked’ one. Or an abuser will say that it’s not their fault they hit the other person when that person is so annoying and stupid and they have to ‘put up with them’. In this way an abuser uses the ‘poor me’ mentality to defend their sociopathic behavior. To give you a perfect example of what that means, I have been in a relationship where a person did not handle their emotions well and lashed out on me. Naturally, not wanting to be a punching bag - literally and metaphorically speaking - I would answer back, get angry, and even yell back. As a result, I would be called 'mean', 'insensitive', 'asshole'. Therefore they would play the victim. If you have experienced that, you can relate to it 100%. And if you haven't, I am happy for you and I wish you never will experience that. These events truly gets the best of us.

"So what you're saying is I enjoy having bad things happen to me? Are you calling me a masochist?" Thinking back to my victim days, in a way I felt I enjoyed it because it felt normal to me. But that's the thing. It felt normal... I enjoyed normal. It was constant. No change. No variation. It was always the same. And I was happy because change freaked me out. But, it was normal. Why did I consider it to be normal? It became a routine for me. I turned it into a habit. A terrible habit. It was created when I was a child and I carried this habit until recently.

Breaking away from something you have been doing most of your life is hard. Whatever your bad habit is - smoking, drinking, masturbating, eating junk food - is hard to break.

When I realised that bad things happen, not 'to' me, but 'because' of me, it switched my way of thinking about life. When I look back at the time I was in university, having to retake the same course three times, it was nobody's fault but mine. Nobody put a gun to my head and forced to stay in that class. Nobody held a knife to my neck forcing me to hang out with the wrong crowd. And I do not recall being told to stay in the same seat next to the loud-mouths in the classroom.

I am the reason for my own downfall. Napoleon Hill wrote in The Law of Success: "“No man has a chance to enjoy permanent success until he begins to look in a mirror for the real cause of all his mistakes.” All the mistakes I've made are caused by the man in the mirror. That's it! This is a good thing. If I am the problem, I am the solution. I can change myself; my behaviors; my actions and reactions; my emotions and thoughts. If you put the blame on someone or something else, you're out of luck because you don't have a solution.

The good thing about it is that the victim mentality is a learned behavior and, therefore, can be 'unlearned'. Yes! But, beware. It will not happen overnight. At least in my case, it didn't happen in a blink of an eye. Dealing with ones own 'victim mentality' means facing anger, sadness, fear, shame, frustration and whichever emotion we use to hide when we are playing the victim role.

It is recommended to seek support when dealing with facing your victim mentality. For some, it is a lot easier to deal with it when you have a close group of friends who provide the great support system. For those who do not want to fell like a burden to others, a trained and experienced counselor or psychotherapist can create a safe, non-judgemental space for you to explore why you act a victim, and what childhood events led to such behavior as an adult. They will then help you learn new ways of thinking and seeing the world that are more helpful to you.

For me, I was lucky enough I was able to deal with it on my way for the most part. For the other part, I've had friends who were there for me. For the other part, "I [get] by with a little help from my friends" as The Beatles would say.

Take responsibility for your life. Everything that occurs in your life - good, bad or nothing - is your responsibility, even if outside forces are at play. If something negative happens to you, even if you did not have control over it, ask yourself, “If this situation arises again, what can I do to reduce its negative impact?” This new mindset puts you in the driver’s seat of your life, and you occupy a position of power.

Anything is possible, you have the capacity to change an impossible into a possible. Audrey Hepburn once said, “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!"

You have more potential than you realize. Scotiabank has a saying, “You’re richer than you think.” My spin on that is, “You’re smarter than you think.”

"... Because of Daneau"

So remember, don't be a little bitch. Go out and dominate. Conquer. Love the man. Be the man. Be the champion that you are. You are smarter, stronger, faster, funnier than you think you are. You just have to see it for yourself.

"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy." - Norman Vincent Peale